Pt1 Talmudic Perspectives on Marital Sex: Behaviors, Consequences, and Ethics (Nedarim 20a-b)
This is the first installment of a two-part series. The outline is below. Some of the passages quoted here were previously cited in my piece “Passions and Prohibitions: Some Notes on Sex in the Talmud”.
Outline
Ministering Angels and Congenital Disabilities: R' Yoḥanan ben Dehavai’s Teachings on the Causes of Physical Impairments from Proscribed Sexual Behaviors
Imma Shalom Describes Her Husband’s Strictly Limited Behaviors During Sex
Rabbinic Debate on Sex Positions: Freedom of Choice versus Restriction
R' Yehuda HaNasi and Rav's Responses to Women's Complaints About Husbands' Unconventional Sexual Behavior
Don’t have sex with one woman while thinking about another woman
Ten Problematic Circumstances for Sex
Wife Initiating Sex Leads to Exceptional Offspring
The Passage
Ministering Angels and Congenital Disabilities: R' Yoḥanan ben Dehavai’s Teachings on the Causes of Physical Impairments from Proscribed Sexual Behaviors
The Talmud quotes R' Yoḥanan ben Dehavai1 as stating that “ministering angels” (מלאכי השרת) told him that certain major congenital disabilities are caused by specific proscribed sexual behaviors:
Mute (אילמים) children from kissing the wife’s genitals4
Deaf (חרשים) children from parents talking during sex (תשמיש)
Blind (סומין) children from fathers looking at the wife’s genitals
אמר רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי:
ארבעה דברים סחו לי מלאכי השרת:
חיגרין מפני מה הויין — מפני שהופכים את שולחנם.
אילמים מפני מה הויין — מפני שמנשקים על אותו מקום.
חרשים מפני מה הויין — מפני שמספרים בשעת תשמיש.
סומין מפני מה הויין — מפני שמסתכלים באותו מקום.
[...]
R' Yoḥanan ben Dehavai said:
The ministering angels told me four matters:
For what reason do lame people come into existence? It is because their fathers overturn their tables, i.e., they engage in sexual intercourse in an atypical way.
For what reason do mute people come into existence? It is because their fathers kiss that place of nakedness.
For what reason do deaf people come into existence? It is because their parents converse while engaging in sexual intercourse.
For what reason do blind people come into existence? It is because their fathers stare at that place.
[...]
Imma Shalom Describes Her Husband’s Strictly Limited Behaviors During Sex
Imma Shalom5 is asked why her children are exceptionally good-looking (יפיפין ביותר).
She attributes it to her husband’s strict sexual conduct:
He only has sex with her at midnight. He reveals and covers minimal parts of her body and covers himself, behaving as though “forced by a demon” (כפאו שד).
When Imma Shalom questioned him about this behavior, he explained that he does this to avoid thinking6 about another woman during sex, as doing so could lead to their children being compromised, making them (metaphorically) like a mamzer.
שאלו את אימא שלום: מפני מה בניך יפיפין ביותר?
אמרה להן: אינו מספר עמי
לא בתחלת הלילה,
ולא בסוף הלילה,
אלא בחצות הלילה.
וכשהוא מספר,
מגלה טפח ומכסה טפח,
ודומה עליו כמי שכפאו שד.
ואמרתי לו: מה טעם?
ואמר לי:
כדי שלא אתן את עיני באשה אחרת,
ונמצאו בניו באין לידי ממזרות.
[...]
Imma Shalom, the wife of R' Eliezer ben Hyrcanus, was asked: For what reason are your children so beautiful?
She said to them: My husband does not converse with me while engaging in sexual intercourse,
neither at the beginning of the night
nor at the end of the night,
but rather at midnight.
And when he converses with me while engaging in sexual intercourse,
he reveals a handbreadth of my body and covers a handbreadth,
and he covers himself up as though he were being coerced by a demon and is covering himself out of fear.
And I said to my husband: What is the reason for this behavior?
And he said to me:
It is so that I will not set my eyes on another woman, i.e., think about another woman; if a man thinks about another woman during sexual intercourse with his wife,
his children consequently come close to receiving a mamzer status, i.e., the nature of their souls is tantamount to that of a mamzer. Therefore I engage in sexual intercourse with you at an hour when there are no people in the street, and in this manner.
[...]
Rabbinic Debate on Sex Positions: Freedom of Choice versus Restriction
R' Yoḥanan posits that the concensus of the sages reject R' Yoḥanan ben Dehavai’s strict view, allowing any sex positions. As a metaphor (משל), it’s like eating meat from a butcher (בית הטבח), or fish from a trap:7 just as one can choose to prepare and consume meat in different ways—salted, roasted (צלי), cooked, or boiled (שלוק)—a man can similarly have sex with his wife in any position he wants.8
אמר רבי יוחנן:
זו דברי יוחנן בן דהבאי,
אבל אמרו חכמים:
אין הלכה כיוחנן בן דהבאי,
אלא, כל מה שאדם רוצה לעשות באשתו — עושה.
משל לבשר הבא מבית הטבח,
רצה לאכלו במלח — אוכלו.
צלי — אוכלו.
מבושל — אוכלו.
שלוק — אוכלו.
וכן דג הבא מבית הצייד.
[...]
R' Yoḥanan said:
That is the statement of Yoḥanan ben Dehavai.
However, the Rabbis said:
The halakha is not in accordance with the opinion of Yoḥanan ben Dehavai.
Rather, whatever a man wishes to do with his wife he may do. He may engage in sexual intercourse with her in any manner that he wishes, and need not concern himself with these restrictions.
As an allegory, it is like meat that comes from the butcher.
If he wants to eat it with salt, he may eat it that way.
If he wants to eat it roasted, he may eat it roasted.
If he wants to eat it cooked, he may eat it cooked.
If he wants to eat it boiled, he may eat it boiled.
And likewise with regard to fish that come from the fisherman.
[...]
R' Yehuda HaNasi and Rav's Responses to Women's Complaints About Husbands' Unconventional Sexual Behavior
This Talmudic passage discusses two cases in which women came to rabbis—in the first anecdote to R' Yehuda HaNasi and in the second to Rav—to complain about their husbands’ sexual behavior. As in previous passages, the women use the metaphor of "setting a table for him" (ערכתי לו שולחן) to describe offering themselves sexually, but their husbands "turned it over," implying that the husbands engaged in sexual activity in an atypical or less conventional way.
R' Yehuda HaNasi rherorically responds by stating that the Torah allows a husband to have sex with his wife (meaning, with no exceptions, so even not the conventional missionary position), and thus there is nothing he can do for her.
Rav gives a similar response, comparing the situation to eating a fish (meaning as in the previous passage: just as a fish can be eaten in any manner, a husband may have sex with his wife in any way that he wants).
ההיא דאתאי לקמיה דרבי,
אמרה לו: רבי, ערכתי לו שולחן, והפכו!
אמר לה: בתי, תורה התירתך, ואני מה אעשה ליך?!
ההיא דאתאי לקמיה דרב,
אמרה לו: רבי, ערכתי לו שולחן והפכו!
אמר: מאי שנא מן ביניתא?!
The Gemara relates: A certain woman, who came before R' Yehuda HaNasi to complain about her husband,
said to him: My teacher, I set him a table, using a euphemism to say that she lay before him during intimacy, and he turned it over.
R' Yehuda HaNasi said to her: My daughter, the Torah permitted him to engage in sexual intercourse with you even in an atypical manner, and what can I do for you if he does so?!
Similarly, a certain woman who came before Rav
said to him: My teacher, I set a table for him and he turned it over.
He said to her: In what way is this case different from a fish [binnita] that one may eat any way he wishes?!
רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי. Notably, the only other time this tana is quoted in the Talmud is also about a disabled person, specifically blind (same as #4 in the list here), in Chagigah.2a.6 (with parallel in two other places):
יוחנן בן דהבאי אומר משום רבי יהודה:
סומא באחת מעיניו
פטור מן הראייה
שנאמר: [...]
Yoḥanan ben Dehavai says in the name of R' Yehuda:
One who is blind in one of his eyes
is exempt from the mitzva of appearance,
as it is stated: [...]
Traditionally translated with the archaic word “lame”. More broadly, it refers to a physical disability that causes mobility issues.
הופכים את שולחנם - literally: “overturning their tables”, a euphemism.
אותו מקום - literally: “that place”, a euphemism.
Imma is an honorific, literally meaning “mother”, equivalent to Abba for men, which literally means “father”, cognate with English abbot, on the honorific Abba, see my piece here.
For another story about Imma Shalom in the talmud, see my piece here; she’s one of the few women mentioned by name in the talmud, for a list, see my piece at my Academia page: “Figures on the Fringes: Named Non-rabbis in the Talmudic Literature”.
אתן את עיני - literally: “place my eyes”.
בית הצייד - literally: “house/place of the trapping”.