"Preparing Her Mouth" and "Turning Her Back": The Talmud on the “The Bad Wife” (Yevamot 63b)
Part of a series on long aggadic pages in the Talmud, and analysis of the use of keywords and leitmotifs in the structure of the sugya. Previous main relevant pieces: “More on the Formatting of the Talmud, especially of Non-Halachic Portions (Aggada), and Analyzing Structure in Aggadic Sugyot” (December 15, 2023); “Helpful Formatting of the Talmud: Ohr Somayach’s ‘Talmud Navigator’ ” (December 12, 2023); “What is the largest page size in the Talmud, by word count? Estimating the upper bound using samples and code” (December 19, 2023)
In this piece I’ll be discussing the page Yevamot 63b (Sefaria; Wikisource). It has 704 words, so one of the very large pages in the Talmud.
Traditional formatting (tzurat hadaf)
Screenshot of it in daf-yomi.com:
Sugya of “the bad wife”
One major theme on that page is “the bad wife”. This key phrase is mentioned 12 times (see screenshot later, of the page in Sefaria).
Four statements in a row about the “bad wife” are citing a single person - Rava.
It should be pointed out that there's no separate word in Hebrew (including in modern Hebrew) for wife as opposed to woman, the way there is in modern English. But from context, it's clear that isha in the sugya is referring specifically to a wife, not to a woman in general
(The word for husband is primarily ba'al, which fundamentally means master/owner/lord)
Formatting in Sefaria
Screenshot of the Hebrew original in ed. Steinzaltz, in Sefaria, with the keywords highlighted (using CTRL + F):
Formatting in Ohr Sameach’s “Talmud Navigator”
https://ohr.edu/yhiy/article.php/9852?showobject=1, p. 5 (in last statement, citing Rav Chisda, name should be in brackets, same as the previous one).
Full passage, with translation and explanation
Yevamot 63b (section # 3-8), with the keywords “a bad wife” bolded and underlined:
היכי דמי אשה רעה?
אמר אביי: מקשטא ליה תכא ומקשטא ליה פומא.
רבא אמר: מקשטא ליה תכא ומהדרא ליה גבא.
אמר רבי חמא בר חנינא: כיון שנשא אדם אשה עונותיו מתפקקין, שנאמר: ״מצא אשה מצא טוב ויפק רצון מה׳״.
במערבא כי נסיב אינש איתתא, אמרי ליה הכי: ״מצא״ או ״מוצא״?
״מצא״ דכתיב: ״מצא אשה מצא טוב״,
מוצא דכתיב: ״ומוצא אני מר ממות את האשה״.
אמר רבא: אשה רעה מצוה לגרשה, דכתיב: ״גרש לץ ויצא מדון וישבות דין וקלון״,
ואמר רבא: אשה רעה וכתובתה מרובה — צרתה בצדה.
דאמרי אינשי: בחברתה, ולא בסילתא.
ואמר רבא: קשה אשה רעה כיום סגריר, שנאמר: ״דלף טורד ביום סגריר ואשת מדינים נשתוה״.
ואמר רבא: בא וראה כמה טובה אשה טובה, וכמה רעה אשה רעה.
כמה טובה אשה טובה, דכתיב: ״מצא אשה מצא טוב״, אי בגוה משתעי קרא — כמה טובה אשה טובה, שהכתוב משבחה. אי בתורה משתעי קרא — כמה טובה אשה טובה, שהתורה נמשלה בה.
כמה רעה אשה רעה, דכתיב: ״ומוצא אני מר ממות את האשה״. אי בגוה משתעי קרא — כמה רעה אשה רעה, שהכתוב מגנה. אי בגיהנם משתעי קרא — כמה רעה אשה רעה, שגיהנם נמשלה בה.
״הנני מביא רעה אשר לא יוכלו לצאת ממנה״,
אמר רב נחמן אמר רבה בר אבוה: זו אשה רעה וכתובתה מרובה.
״נתנני ה׳ בידי לא אוכל קום״,
אמר רב חסדא אמר מר עוקבא בר חייא: זו אשה רעה וכתובתה מרובה.
במערבא אמרו: זה שמזונותיו תלוין בכספו.
״בניך ובנותיך נתונים לעם אחר״,
אמר רב חנן בר רבא אמר רב: זו אשת האב.
״בגוי נבל אכעיסם״,
אמר רב חנן בר רבא אמר רב: זו אשה רעה וכתובתה מרובה.
רבי אליעזר אומר: אלו המינים. וכן הוא אומר: ״אמר נבל בלבו אין אלהים וגו׳״.
The Gemara asks: What are the circumstances when a woman is considered a bad wife?
Abaye said: She arranges a table for him and arranges her mouth for him at the same time. In other words, although she prepares food for him, she verbally abuses him while he eats.
Rava said: She arranges a table for him and then turns her back to him, displaying her lack of interest in his company.
Rabbi Ḥama bar Ḥanina said: Once a man marries a woman his iniquities crumble [mitpakekin], as it is stated: “Whoever finds a wife finds good, and obtains [veyafek] favor of the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22).
In the West, i.e., Eretz Yisrael, when a man married a woman they would say to him as follows: Matza or motze? In other words, they would ask the groom if the appropriate passage for his wife is that verse, which begins with the word matza, as it is written: Whoever finds [matza] a wife finds good, or whether the more appropriate verse is the one beginning with the word motze, as it is written: “And I find [motze] more bitter than death the woman” (Ecclesiastes 7:26).
Rava said: It is a mitzva to divorce a bad wife, as it is written: “Cast out the scorner and contention will depart; strife and shame will cease” (Proverbs 22:10).
And Rava said: A bad wife whose marriage contract settlement is too large for her husband to pay in the event of a divorce, her rival wife is at her side. In other words, the only way for him to improve matters is to take another wife.
As people say in the well-known adage: The way to trouble a woman is with her peer and not with a thorn.
And Rava said: A bad wife is as troublesome as a day of heavy rain, as it is stated: “A continual dropping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike” (Proverbs 27:15).
And Rava said: Come and see how good a good wife is and how bad a bad wife is.
How good is a good wife? As it is written: Whoever finds a wife finds good. If the verse speaks of her, a wife, this demonstrates how good a good wife is, as the Bible praises her. If the verse speaks metaphorically of the Torah, it nevertheless indicates how good a good wife is, as the Torah is compared to her.
Conversely, how bad is a bad wife? As it is written: “And I find more bitter than death the woman.” If the verse speaks of her, this demonstrates how bad a bad wife is, as the Bible condemns her. If the verse speaks metaphorically of Gehenna, it still demonstrates how bad a bad wife is, as Gehenna is compared to her.
The Gemara cites further statements on the same issue. The verse states: “Behold, I will bring evil upon them, which they shall not be able to escape” (Jeremiah 11:11).
Rav Naḥman said that Rabba bar Avuh said: This is a bad wife whose marriage contract is large.
Similarly, with regard to the verse: “The Lord has given me into the hands of those against whom I cannot stand” (Lamentations 1:14),
Rav Ḥisda said that Mar Ukva bar Ḥiyya said: This is a bad wife whose marriage contract is large. In the West, Eretz Yisrael, they said this verse is referring to one whose food is dependent on his money. He is forced to purchase his food with cash, as he does not possess land of his own.
With regard to the verse: “Your sons and your daughters shall be given to another people” (Deuteronomy 28:32),
Rav Ḥanan bar Rava said that Rav said: This is a reference to the children’s father’s wife, their stepmother.
With regard to the verse: “I will provoke them with a vile nation” (Deuteronomy 32:21),
Rav Ḥanan bar Rava said that Rav said: This is a bad wife whose marriage contract is large.
Rabbi Eliezer says that these are apostates, and so too the verse states: “The vile man has said in his heart: There is no God, they have dealt corruptly” (Psalms 14:1), which proves that an apostate is called vile.
Summary of statement on “the bad wife”
This Talmudic Aggadic sugya provides various perspectives on the characteristics of a "bad wife".
Abaye's View: Abaye suggests that a bad wife is one who verbally abuses her husband (מקשטא ליה פומא - literally, “she adorns her mouth”), even while performing her duties, like serving food.
Rava's Perspective: Rava offers a different viewpoint, describing a bad wife as one who shows disinterest or disdain towards her husband, symbolized by her turning her back to him (“מהדרא ליה גבא“).
Rava on Divorce: Rava asserts that divorcing a bad wife is a commandment (mitzva), drawing on Proverbs 22:10 to liken a quarrelsome wife to a source of strife and shame.
Economic Considerations: Rava also discusses the dilemma of a man married to a bad wife with a large marriage contract, suggesting that taking a second wife might be a solution (צרתה בצדה). This reflects the economic and social complexities of marriage in Talmudic times.
Comparison to Rain: Further, Rava compares a bad wife to continuous rain (“יום סגריר“), implying constant annoyance and discomfort.
Contrast Between Good and Bad Wives: The text contrasts the blessings of a good wife with the curses of a bad one, using various biblical references to demonstrate the extremes.
Further Rabbinic Interpretations: Various rabbis provide interpretations of biblical verses to metaphorically describe the challenges of being married to a bad wife, often focusing on the financial burden of a large marriage contract (ketuba).