Pt1 Torah Study, Marriage, and Parental Obligation: Priorities, Ages, and the Torah as Antidote to the Yetzer Hara (Kiddushin 29b-30b)

Study, Marriage, and Managing Desire

This is the first part of a two-part series. The outline of the series is below.

Part 1

This sugya moves from triage—who studies first and when—to an ethics of formation: how fathers, grandfathers, teachers, and communities structure Torah study, marriage, and discipline against desire.¹

It begins with prioritizing a father’s obligations, pivots to the timing of marriage versus study, and widens into a program for educating children and allocating one’s own learning. It closes with a cluster of maxims that frame Torah as both curriculum and antidote to the yetzer hara. Along the way, an anecdote about a demon inflects the halakhic debate with a narrative of personal merit and danger, locating authority not only in rules but in assessed capacity.

The opening baraita states that when father and son both want to study, the father precedes; R’ Yehuda qualifies: if the son is demonstrably “diligent and sharp” so that his learning “endures,” the son precedes.² The criterion is durability of learning, not mere eagerness. The Talmud then supplies a test case: Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov sends his son to Abaye, judges the son’s learning “not sharp,” and reverses course—“I am preferable to you”—keeping the household tasks with the son so that he, the father, can study. The implication is pragmatic hierarchy: precedence follows expected yield. Study is a scarce resource allocated by projected return.

That calculus immediately shades into a miracle narrative. Abaye, learning Rav Aḥa is coming, withholds lodging to force him to sleep in the beit midrash plagued by a dangerous demon (mazik). Rav Aḥa spends the night there; a serpent with 7 heads appears; with each bow in prayer, a head falls. In the morning he rebukes the townspeople for endangering him “if a miracle had not occurred.”

The next baraita weighs study against marriage: study first; if “he cannot be without a wife,” marry first. Shmuel (via Rav Yehuda) sets the halakha as “marry first, then study,” while R’ Yoḥanan objects: “With a millstone (reḥayim) on his neck—can he study?!”

Rav Huna rebukes Rav Hamnuna for appearing unmarried and orders him to marry before returning. He then states his rule: one who reaches 20 unmarried “spends his days in [sexual] sin,” i.e., constant preoccupation. Rava, and a baraita from R’ Yishmael’s school, press further: God “waits until 20,” then curses the holdout—“Let his bones swell.” Rav Ḥisda credits his own superiority to marrying at 16 and boasts he would have taunted the Satan had he married at 14. The throughline is managerial: marriage is recommended less as romance than as risk control for desire and stabilization of study habits.

Age-bands follow. Rava advises a father to secure a match for his son “while your hand is on his neck,” defined as either 16–22 or 18–24. The Talmud aligns this with a tannaitic dispute about “Train a child” (Proverbs 22:6) mapping the same two windows. Thus, education and marriage share a horizon: the years when paternal influence can still be effective.

Part 2

The scope of teaching is then sketched expansively. Shmuel’s benchmark is “like Zevulun ben Dan,” whose grandfather taught him Bible, Mishnah, Talmud, halakhot, and aggadot—an ideal multi-genre curriculum, explicitly including narrative and legal reasoning, not just memorized texts. A baraita oscillates over whether grandfathers are obligated: Deuteronomy 11:19 (“your sons”) seems to exclude grandsons, but Deuteronomy 4:9 (“your sons and your sons’ sons”) re-includes them.

A second baraita leverages the same verses to narrow the class of learners: “your sons” excludes daughters. The sugya leaves that exclusion in place. R’ Yehoshua b. Levi elevates the grandfather’s role anyway, asserting that teaching one’s grandson is as if one received Torah at Sinai, based on the juxtaposition of Deuteronomy 4:9–10. The legal baseline (no duty to daughters; duty extends to grandsons) thus coexists with a rhetorical upgrade for intergenerational teaching.

Pedagogically, two frames appear. First, a schedule: divide one’s study time into 3—Bible, Mishnah, Talmud. Second, a performance standard: Torah must be “sharp” in one’s mouth—answer immediately, without fumbling—supported by a string of verses that liken mastery to binding, arrows, and readiness at the gate. R’ Ḥiyya b. Abba reframes the gate as the space of dispute: father/son and teacher/student may become “enemies” in study but end “beloved,” reading “vahev be-Sufa” as “love at the end.” The sugya normalizes conflict as a mode of learning and encodes reconciliation as the expected outcome.

The closing cluster reorients from curriculum to pharmacology. A baraita reads “samtem” (Deut 11:18) as sam tam, an “elixir,” and offers a parable: a father’s bandage that allows eating, drinking, and bathing without fear so long as it remains; remove it, and the wound festers. God says: “I created the yetzer hara; I created Torah as its spice/antidote.”

Verses from Genesis 4:7 are parsed to stage three conditions: Torah elevates one above desire; without it, one is surrendered to desire; nevertheless, desire’s “longing is for you”—and “you may rule over it.”

Additional sayings intensify the problem: the yetzer is called “evil” by its Creator; it renews daily; it seeks to kill; only with God’s help can one overcome it.

The school of R’ Yishmael prescribes the operative tactic: drag the yetzer to the study hall—if stone, Torah melts it; if iron, Torah shatters it—supporting the claim with verses likening Torah to water, fire, and a hammer.

Outline

Intro

The Passage - Torah Study, Marriage, and Parental Obligation: Priorities, Ages, and the Torah as Antidote to the Yetzer Hara (Kiddushin 29b-30b)

1. Baraita - If a father and his son both wish to study (Torah), the father takes precedence

2. R’ Yehuda - If the son is diligent and sharp so his learning endures, the son precedes the father

3. Anecdote of Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov and Abaye illustrating R’ Yehuda’s criterion -- the father judged himself preferable and went to study

   1. Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov and the demon in the study hall of Abaye

4. Baraita - If choosing between Torah study and marriage: study first; if he cannot be without a wife, marry first

5. Rav Yehuda citing Shmuel - Halakha: marry first, then study

6. R’ Yoḥanan - With a “millstone” (livelihood burden) on his neck, how can he study?!

7. Anecdote of Rav Ḥisda, Rav Huna and Rav Hamnuna

8. Rav Huna rebukes Rav Hamnuna for being unmarried; instructs him to marry before appearing again

9. Rav Huna - One who reaches age 20 unmarried will spend his days in thoughts of sexual sin

10. Rava / R’ Yishmael’s School - God waits for a man to marry until 20; after 20, a curse--“Let his bones swell”

11. Rav Ḥisda - Credits his superiority to marrying at 16; at 14 he would have taunted the Satan

12. Rava to R’ Natan bar Ami - “While your hand is on your son’s neck,” find him a wife: ages 16–22, or 18–24

13. Tannaitic dispute - R’ Yehuda vs R’ Neḥemya re the “training” window: 16–22 vs 18–24 - Proverbs 22:6

Part 2

1. Rav Yehuda citing Shmuel - ideal extent of teaching is like Zevulun ben Dan—his grandfather taught him Bible, Mishnah, Talmud, halakhot, aggadot

2. Baraita - Reads “You shall teach…your sons” includes grandsons - Deuteronomy 11:19; 4:9

3. Baraita - “Your sons” excludes daughters; obligation is to sons and grandsons, not daughters - Deuteronomy 11:19; 4:9

4. R’ Yehoshua b. Levi - Teaching one’s grandson is as if received at Sinai - Deuteronomy 4:9–10

5. Anecdotes of R’ Yehoshua ben Levi, R’ Ḥiyya b. Abba and Rabba b. Rav Huna - Prioritize bringing children to study before eating

6. Rav Safra citing R’ Yehoshua b. Ḥananya - divide one’s study time into 3—Bible, Mishnah, and Talmud - Deuteronomy 6:7

7. Baraita - Torah should be sharp in one’s mouth; answer immediately - Deuteronomy 6:7

   1. Additional prooftexts - Proverbs 7:3–4; Psalms 127:4–5; 120:4; 45:6

8. R’ Ḥiyya b. Abba - Torah debate makes even father/son or Rabbi/student “enemies,” but they end as “beloved”

   1. Prooftext - Numbers 21:14

9. Baraita - Torah as an elixir of life - Deuteronomy 11:18

10. Parable of a father’s healing bandage

    1. Interpretation of the parable - God created evil inclination and Torah as its antidote

    2. ... Torah study lifts one above evil inclination; without Torah study one is given to it, yet one can rule over it - Genesis 4:7

11. Baraita - Evil inclination is called “evil” by its Creator - Genesis 8:21

12. Rav Yitzḥak - Evil inclination renews daily - Genesis 6:5

13. R’ Shimon b. Levi - Evil inclination seeks to kill; only with God’s help can one overcome it - Psalms 37:32–33

14. R’ Yishmael’s School - If the evil inclination meets you, drag it to the study hall, Torah melts stone and shatters iron

    1. Prooftexts- Jeremiah 23:29; Isaiah 55:1; Job 14:19

The Passage

Kiddushin.29b.11-30b.10

Baraita - If a father and his son both wish to study (Torah), the father takes precedence

תנו רבנן:

הוא ללמוד ובנו ללמוד –

הוא קודם לבנו.

A baraita states:

If one wishes to study Torah himself and his son also wants to study --

he takes precedence over his son.

R’ Yehuda - If the son is diligent and sharp so his learning endures, the son precedes the father

רבי יהודה אומר:

אם בנו

1. זריז

2. וממולח

ותלמודו מתקיים בידו –

בנו קודמו.

R’ Yehuda says:

If his son is

1. diligent

2. and sharp³

and thus his study will endure --

his son takes precedence over him.

Anecdote of Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov and Abaye illustrating R’ Yehuda’s criterion -- the father judged himself preferable and went to study

כי הא דרב יעקב בריה דרב אחא בר יעקב

שדריה אבוה לקמיה דאביי.

כי אתא --

חזייה דלא הוה מיחדדן שמעתיה

This is like that anecdote which is told about Rav Ya’akov, son of Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov,

whose father sent him to Abaye to study Torah.

When the son came home --

his father saw that his studies were not sharp,

as he was insufficiently bright.

אמר ליה:

אנא עדיפא מינך,

תוב את,

דאיזיל אנא.

Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov said to his son:

I am preferable to you, and it is better that I go and study.

Therefore, you sit and handle the affairs of the house

so that I can go and study.⁴

Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov and the demon in the study hall of Abaye

שמע אביי דקא הוה אתי.

הוה ההוא מזיק בי רבנן דאביי,

דכי הוו עיילי בתרין אפילו ביממא הוו מיתזקי.

אמר להו:

לא ליתיב ליה אינש אושפיזא,

אפשר דמתרחיש ניסא.

Abaye heard that Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov was coming.

There was a certain demon⁵ in the study hall of Abaye,

which was so powerful that when two people would enter they would be harmed, even during the day.

Abaye said to the people of the town:

Do not give Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov lodging⁶ so that he will be forced to spend the night in the study hall.

Since Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov is a righteous man, perhaps a miracle will occur on his behalf and he will kill the demon.

על, בת בההוא בי רבנן.

אידמי ליה כתנינא דשבעה רישוותיה.

כל כריעה דכרע —

נתר חד רישיה

Rav Aḥa found no place to spend the night,

and he entered and spent the night in that study hall of the rabbis.

The demon appeared to him⁷ like a serpent⁸ with seven heads.

Rav Aḥa bar Ya’akov began to pray, and with every bow that he bowed —

one of the demon’s heads fell off,

until it eventually died.

אמר להו למחר:

אי לא איתרחיש ניסא --

סכינתין.

The next day Rav Aḥa said to the townspeople:

If a miracle had not occurred --

you would have placed me in danger.

Baraita - If choosing between Torah study and marriage: study first; if he cannot be without a wife, marry first

תנו רבנן:

• ללמוד תורה ולישא אשה –

  • ילמוד תורה

  • ואחר כך ישא אשה.

• ואם אי אפשר לו בלא אשה –

  • ישא אשה

  • ואחר כך ילמוד תורה.

A baraita states:

• If one has to decide whether to study Torah or to marry a woman, which should he do first?

  • He should study Torah

  • and afterward marry a woman.

• And if it is impossible for him to be without a wife,

  • he should marry a woman

  • and then study Torah.

Rav Yehuda citing Shmuel - Halakha: marry first, then study

אמר רב יהודה, אמר שמואל:

הלכה,

נושא אשה ואחר כך ילמוד תורה.

Rav Yehuda says that Shmuel says:

The halakha is that

one should marry a woman and afterward study Torah.

R’ Yoḥanan - With a “millstone” (livelihood burden) on his neck, how can he study?!

רבי יוחנן אמר:

ריחיים בצוארו ויעסוק בתורה?!

[...]

R’ Yoḥanan says: How can one do this?

With a millstone hanging from his neck, i.e., with the responsibility of providing for his family weighing upon him, can he engage in Torah study?!

[...]

Anecdote of Rav Ḥisda, Rav Huna and Rav Hamnuna

משתבח ליה רב חסדא לרב הונא בדרב המנונא

דאדם גדול הוא.

אמר ליה:

כשיבא לידך –

הביאהו לידי.

§ With regard to marriage, the Talmud relates:

Rav Ḥisda would praise Rav Hamnuna to Rav Huna

by saying that he is a great man.

Rav Huna said to him:

When he comes to you --

send him to me.

Rav Huna rebukes Rav Hamnuna for being unmarried; instructs him to marry before appearing again

כי אתא --

חזייה דלא פריס סודרא.

אמר ליה: מאי טעמא לא פריסת סודרא?

אמר ליה: דלא נסיבנא.

אהדרינהו לאפיה מיניה.

אמר ליה: חזי דלא חזית להו לאפי עד דנסבת.

When Rav Hamnuna came before him --

Rav Huna saw that he did not cover his head with a cloth,⁹ as Torah scholars did.

Rav Huna said to him: What is the reason that you do not cover your head with a cloth?

Rav Hamnuna said to him: The reason is that I am not married, and it was not customary for unmarried men to cover their heads with a cloth.

Rav Huna turned his face away from him in rebuke,

and he said to him: See to it that you do not see my face until you marry.

Rav Huna - One who reaches age 20 unmarried will spend his days in thoughts of sexual sin

רב הונא לטעמיה דאמר:

בן עשרים שנה ולא נשא אשה –

כל ימיו בעבירה.

[...]

The Talmud notes: Rav Huna conforms to his standard line of reasoning, as he says:

If one is 20 years old and has not yet married a woman --

all of his days will be in a state of sin concerning sexual matters.

[...]

Rava / R’ Yishmael’s School - God waits for a man to marry until 20; after 20, a curse--“Let his bones swell”

אמר רבא,

וכן תנא דבי רבי ישמעאל:

• עד עשרים שנה

  • יושב הקדוש ברוך הוא ומצפה לאדם מתי ישא אשה,

• כיון שהגיע עשרים ולא נשא,

  • אומר: תיפח עצמותיו.

Rava said,

and similarly, the school of R’ Yishmael taught:

• Until one reaches the age of 20 years --

  • God sits and waits for a man, saying: When will he marry a woman?

• Once he reaches the age of 20 and has not married --

  • He says: Let his bones swell, i.e., he is cursed and God is no longer concerned about him.

Rav Ḥisda - Credits his superiority to marrying at 16; if he had married at 14 he would have taunted the Satan

אמר רב חסדא:

האי דעדיפנא מחבראי --

דנסיבנא בשיתסר,

ואי הוה נסיבנא בארביסר --

הוה אמינא לשטן:

גירא בעיניך.

Rav Ḥisda said:

The fact that I am superior to my colleagues --

is because I married at the age of 16,

and if I would have married at the age of 14 --

I would say to the Satan:

An arrow in your eye,

i.e., I would not be afraid of the evil inclination at all.

Rava to R’ Natan bar Ami - “While your hand is on your son’s neck,” find him a wife

אמר ליה רבא לרבי נתן בר אמי:

אדידך על צוארי דבריך

Rava said to R’ Natan bar Ami:

While your hand is still on your son’s neck,

i.e., while you still have authority and control over him, find him a wife.

Recommended ages: 16–22, or 18–24

משיתסר ועד עשרים ותרתי

ואמרי לה: מתמני סרי עד עשרים וארבעה.

What is the appropriate age?

From 16 until 22,

and some say: from 18 until 24

Tannaitic dispute - R’ Yehuda vs R’ Neḥemya re the “training” window: 16–22 vs 18–24 - Proverbs 22:6

כתנאי:

״חנך לנער על פי דרכו״,

רבי יהודה ורבי נחמיה,

• חד אמר:

  • משיתסר ועד עשרים ותרתין,

• וחד אמר:

  • מתמני סרי ועד עשרים וארבעה.

The Talmud notes that this is like a dispute between tanna’im,

based on the verse: “Train a child in the way that he should go” (Proverbs 22:6).

R’ Yehuda and R’ Neḥemya:¹⁰

• One said that

  • the verse is referring to the ages from 16 until 22

• and one said

  • it is referring to the ages from 18 until 24

1. For other parts of this broader macro-sugya relating to Torah study, see my previous pieces:

• ‘On Condition That I Am [X]’: Talmudic Definitions of Learning, Strength, Wealth, and Character (Kiddushin 49a-b)

• [Betrothal on condition of Bible or Mishnah literacy and study (Kiddushin 49a)]

And see also:

• [Appendix - Torah Study as a Substitute for Temple Offerings (Menachot 110a)]

• [Appendix - Divine Reward, Spiritual Discipline, and the Merit of Torah Study in the Future Judgment - Isaiah 28:5-7 (Megillah 15b)]

• [Appendix 2 - ‘Yeshiva’ (formal Torah study) always existed - A List of 6 major periods and personalities from the Pentateuch (Yoma 28b): the Biblical Patriarchs, and in Egypt and in the Wilderness]

• Achsah, Othniel, and Jabez, and Allegories for Torah Study in Joshua 15 and I Chronicles 4 (Temurah 16a)

And see my intro to Talmud, section “The Centrality of Torah Study“, on Torah study (talmud Torah) as major theme in the Talmud.

2. The sugya assumes a general obligation for a father to teach his son Torah, as well as to marry him off. These obligations are explicitly cited from a baraita, in Kiddushin.29a.10, among a list of 6 items of a father’s obligations with regards to his son, list items #3-4:

[…]

תנו רבנן:

האב חייב בבנו

1. למולו,

2. ולפדותו,

3. וללמדו תורה,

4. ולהשיאו אשה,

5. וללמדו אומנות.

6. ויש אומרים: אף להשיטו במים.

רבי יהודה אומר:

כל שאינו מלמד את בנו אומנות –

מלמדו ליסטות

[…]

A baraita states:

A father is obligated with regard to his son

1. to circumcise him,

2. and to redeem him if he is a firstborn son who must be redeemed by payment to a priest,

3. and to teach him Torah,

4. and to marry him to a woman,

5. and to teach him a trade (אומנות)

6. And some say: A father is also obligated to teach his son to swim (להשיטו במים)

R’ Yehuda says:

Any father who does not teach his son a trade —

teaches him banditry [listut - from Greek]

3. ממולח.

On this word, see Jastrow (modernized), entry “מָלַח”, section “Pu’al - מוּלָּח”

Part. מְמוּלָּח salted, Transferred sense: bright.

• Kiddushin 29b:11 - אם היה בנו זריז וממולח (Variant וממולא) - “if his son is eager to learn and bright”; [our word missing in Tosefta Bekhorot 6:10).

4. Compare a somewhat similar idea in “Pt3 Rabbinic Advice: Practical Guidance from the Talmud (Pesachim 112a-114a)“, section “Rav’s advice to Ayvu (his son)“, where I summarize:

Rav lamented to his son Ayvu that his efforts to teach him halakha had failed to make him a scholar.

He then offered to teach him about mundane, everyday matters instead.

5. מזיק - mazzik.

6. ushpiza; likely cognate with Latin hospitium via Middle Iranian.

7. אידמי ליה - i.e., the demon incarnated as a snake.

On this idiomatic term in the Talmud to refer to the incarnation of a supernatural entity, with an anthology of relevant passages, see my “ “He appeared to him as a [X]”: Talmudic Stories of Incarnations of God, Eliyahu, Satan, and Demons”.

8. תנינא - tannina. Compare the cognate biblical Hebrew word tannin.

9. סודרא - from Greek sudarin.

On head covering for men, see my recent piece.

10. Steinsaltz explains:

R’ Yehuda and R’ Neḥemya disagreed about the age in which the verse instructs the parent to educate his child […]

The dispute concerning the correct age for marriage and the dispute about educating a child are the same, as while a father still has a large measure of influence over his son, he must both teach him and find him a wife.