Pt2 Talmudic Perspectives on Marital Sex: Behaviors, Consequences, and Ethics (Nedarim 20a-b)
This is the second and final installment of a two-part series. The first part is here, the outline can be found there.
Don’t have sex with one woman while thinking about another woman
R' Yehuda HaNasi homiletically interprets Numbers 15:39--"And that you not go about after your own heart"--to mean that a man should not drink from "this cup" (a euphemism, referring to one’s wife) while setting his eyes on "another cup" (i.e. another man’s wife).
Ravina states that this rule applies even regarding a man’s own two wives—he should not have sex with one while thinking about the other.
״ולא תתורו אחרי לבבכם״,
מכאן אמר רבי: אל ישתה אדם בכוס זה ויתן עיניו בכוס אחר.
אמר רבינא: לא נצרכא, אלא דאפילו שתי נשיו.
The verse states: “And that you not go about after your own heart” (Numbers 15:39).
R' Yehuda HaNasi said that it is derived from here that a man should not drink from this cup while setting his eyes on another cup, i.e., one should not engage in sexual intercourse with one woman while thinking about another woman.
Ravina said: This statement is not necessary with regard to an unrelated woman. Rather, it is necessary only to state that even with regard to his own two wives, he should not engage in sexual intercourse with one while thinking about the other.
Ten Problematic Circumstances for Sex
R' Levi homiletically interpretes Ezekiel 20:38 as referring to children conceived under problematic circumstances, first giving an acronym of the nine traits, then listing them:1
Fear (אימה)
Wife is raped (אנוסה - literally: “forced, coerced”; i.e. marital rape)2
Wife is hated (שנואה)
Excommunication (נידוי)3
Mistaken identity (תמורה - literally: “substitution, swapping")4
Arguing (מריבה)5
Drunkenness (שכרות)
Husband intends to divorce his wife (גרושת הלב - literally: “[wife is] a divorcee of the heart”)
Confusion about partners (בני ערבוביא - literally: “mixture"; i.e., again, wife swapping)
Brazen wife (חצופה; she has chutzpah, i.e. she demands sex)
Each condition is seen as influencing the rebellious nature of the offspring.
״וברותי מכם המרדים והפושעים בי״,
אמר רבי לוי:
אלו בני תשע מדות:
בני
א
ס
נ״
ת
מ
ש
ג
ע
״ח.
בני אימה,
בני אנוסה,
בני שנואה,
בני נידוי,
בני תמורה,
בני מריבה,
בני שכרות,
בני גרושת הלב,
בני ערבוביא,
בני חצופה.
The verse states: “And I will purge out from among you the rebels, and those that transgress against Me” (Ezekiel 20:38).
R' Levi said:
These are children of those who have nine traits, who are defective from their conception and from whom rebels and transgressors emerge.
The mnemonic for these nine traits is children of the acronym
aleph,
samekh,
nun,
tav,
mem,
shin,
gimmel,
ayin,
ḥet.
The children of nine traits are as follows:
Children of fear [eima], i.e., where the wife was afraid of her husband and engaged in sexual intercourse with him out of fear;
children of a woman who was raped [anusa];
children of a hated woman [senua], i.e., a woman who was hated by her husband;
children of ostracism [niddui], i.e., one of the parents was ostracized by the court;
children of substitution [temura], i.e., while engaging in intercourse with the woman, the man thought that she was another woman;
children of strife [meriva], i.e., the parents engaged in intercourse while they were quarreling;
children of drunkenness [shikhrut], i.e., the parents engaged in intercourse while they were drunk;
children of a woman who was divorced in the heart [gerushat halev], i.e., the husband had already decided to divorce her when they engaged in intercourse;
children of mixture [irbuveya], i.e., the man did not know with which woman he was engaging in intercourse;
children of a shameless woman [ḥatzufa] who demands of her husband that he engage in intercourse with her.
Wife Initiating Sex Leads to Exceptional Offspring
R' Shmuel bar Naḥmani, quoting R' Yonatan,6 states that if a man's wife demands (תובעתו) sex, the children born from the subsequent conception will be exceptional, surpassing even those of the generation of Moses.
[...]
אמר רבי שמואל בר נחמני, אמר רבי יונתן:
כל אדם שאשתו תובעתו —
הויין לו בנים שאפילו בדורו של משה רבינו לא היו כמותם.
שנאמר: [...]
[...]
R' Shmuel bar Naḥmani say that R' Yonatan said:
Any man whose wife demands of him that he engage in sexual intercourse with her
will have children the likes of whom did not exist even in the generation of Moses our teacher
As it is stated: [...]
#1-4 are only covered by 3 letters in the acronym, it's not fully clear which letters go to which.
Relatedly, the actual list has 10 items, and not 9 as stated.
The term אונס (ones) in Talmudic language is not exclusively associated with sexual violence, but rather denotes "force, coercion, or compulsion" in a general sense.
It can be used to describe any situation where a person is forced to act against their will, including but not limited to sexual assault.
The interpretation depends on the context in which it appears.
For example, in the phrase "אונס רחמנא פטריה" – "God excuses someone acting under compulsion" – the term refers to coercion in a non-sexual context.
However, when the context involves sexual coercion, ones refers specifically to rape. And it’s used more often in a sexual context.
The verb used in the talmud for coercion is sometimes כופין - kofin, especially when the coercion is done by a Jewish court. For more on coercion in halacha, see my piece here.
For more on the term ones, see the Hebrew Wikipedia entries אונס (הלכה) and אונס נערה (הלכה).
For more on kofin, see כפייה על המצוות and כופין על מידת סדום.
On mistaken identity leading to unintended wife swapping, see the talmudic passage quoted in my piece here:
תניא:
היה רבי מאיר אומר:
בשלשה דברים אדם משתנה מחבירו:
בקול
במראה
ובדעת
בקול ובמראה -- משום ערוה
It is taught in a baraita:
R' Meir would say:
One person is different from another in three ways:
In voice,
in appearance,
and in thought.
The differences in voice and appearance are due to a woman forbidden to him, so that people will not exchange spouses one with another.
For this literary word (מריבה) used in the context of marital quarreling, see Bava_Metzia.59a.9:
אמר רב יהודה:
לעולם יהא אדם זהיר בתבואה בתוך ביתו,
שאין מריבה מצויה בתוך ביתו של אדם, אלא על עסקי תבואה,
שנאמר: ״השם גבולך שלום, חלב חטים ישביעך״.
אמר רב פפא:
היינו דאמרי אינשי:
כמשלם שערי מכדא,
נקיש ואתי תגרא בביתא.
Rav Yehuda says:
A person must always be careful about ensuring that there is grain inside his house,
as discord (מריבה) is found in a person’s house only over matters of grain,
as it is stated: “He makes your borders peace; He gives you plenty with the finest wheat” (Psalms 147:14). If there is the finest wheat in your house, there will be peace there.
Rav Pappa said:
This is in accordance with the adage that people say:
When the barley is emptied from the jug,
quarrel (תגרא) knocks and enters the house.
On him, see Hebrew Wikipedia, רבי יונתן בן אלעזר.